2009.07.DD - Bizarre Magazine - Interview with Duff

Duff McKagan
The former Guns n' Roses bass player takes on the most outrageous interview in the world!

By Eleanor Goodman

Former Guns N’ Roses bass player Duff once took so many drugs his pancreas exploded. Now all cleaned up and studying for a business degree from Seattle University, he’s in GN’R supergroup Velvet Revolver, singer of his own rock band Loaded, and even writes a financial column for Playboy.com. So read on if you can’t get enough of that wonderful Duff…

Do you collect anything weird?

When you go through the airport they put stickers on your bags. I just went and did a huge radio tour with my acoustic guitar – some days I’d be in four cities in one day – and I’d end up with a stack of these stickers.

One day I may wipe my ass with them. I’ll probably be allowed to be a little eccentric and crazy. I’m an artist, I can just defecate right there in the airport in front of people, and they’ll just pat me on the head and let me go.

What’s the closest you’ve come to death?

When my pancreas burst in 1994. I also almost drowned when I was 13. I was water-skiing at a lake up in the Cascade Mountains in Washington when I fell forwards and the rope wrapped around my arm and the boat kept going. And they thought I was holding on for a joy ride, but I wasn’t, and so I was panicking.

Then I was enveloped by a white light and felt like I was being welcomed. If they developed a pill that had that feeling in it there’d be no more war. Then they rushed me to the hospital.

What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed?

I caught a marlin in Hawaii one time, a big 110lb marlin, and they brought it up on the boat and it was a beautiful fish with rainbow colours. The Hawaiian guys on the boat killed it immediately.

I wanted to throw it back but they killed it because it’s a good fish. I felt so bad. The colour drained out of it immediately. The rainbow colour turned to black. It really disturbed me. I didn’t know that was what was going to happen. I would’ve thrown the fish back in.

Do you think aliens exist?

One night I was here in Seattle and I saw these seven lights. The lights were going really slow, and then they’d go really fast, and then slow again. This was in the middle of a busy street, where people were pulling over, getting out of their cars, and saying, “What the hell was that?”

I got home, told my wife and she said, “Let’s turn on the news and see what this was”. But it wasn’t on the news or in the papers. Nothing. So it was a cover-up.

Have you ever seen any strange genitalia?

I have. Yes. Would you like me to elaborate? I’ll have to talk in code… I’m at home right now. I’m trying to get away from my little girls but they keep following me everywhere I go!

Anyway, it was some long thing – it was a female but there was something long going on in there. I remember I was pretty hammered but it was a girl – it was definitely a girl. But something was coming out of there and I never quite figured out what it was. I always wondered what the hell was going on.

Did you stay?

I didn’t. I probably made up some excuse like, “Oh, shoot, I’m late for a… thing!”

It could’ve been an alien

It could’ve been. Yeah, I was probably doing some aliens at one point in my career, for sure.

Have you ever had a crush on someone others would consider hideous?

No. Not even, like, guys talk about man crushes. I don’t get the man crush thing. I think Iggy Pop is really killer though, but that’s not a man crush. Like, I wouldn’t do him, you know? No matter what.

If you had a magical power, what would it be?

As far as my girls know, I do have a magical power. I’m Captain Underpants! At night, myself and my dog Buckley – he’s my foot-long superhero friend – go out at night and fight crime. That’s why Buckley is so tired every day and he sleeps all the time. We fight all the crime everywhere.

What’s your outfit? Is it underpants by any chance?

Yes, and a cape. I came up with that because the girls haven’t seen my full uniform. They might see me sometimes in the morning with my underpants still on from fighting crime… but that’s just proof that we were out fighting crime the night before.

It’s good to know you’re keeping people safe.

That’s what I kind of do.

Forced to pick, would you choose necrophilia, coprophilia, bestiality?

Um… what was the middle one again?

Coprophilia – eating shit.

Oh God. What was the question?

Which one would you do? The metal bands usually pick necrophilia.

Well of course they would. That’s a forgone conclusion. So, OK, I’m not really metal at all but I would have to agree with my metal brethren and go with that one. The necrophilia. Yeah, it’s disturbing that it’d be the least offensive of those three. But there’s no way I could do the other two.

Don’t worry, we won’t make you do it. Can you tell us a joke?

This boy comes home from school and notices his parents’ bedroom door is open. He looks in and Dad’s on top of Mom, fucking her. The little boy freaks out, and the dad looks up and goes, “Son, go to your room I’ll be there in five minutes and I’ll explain to you what this is all about.” Now the dad’s freaking out because first of all he hasn’t had the talk with his son, and second of all the son’s seen him now fucking his mom.

So he goes down to his son’s room and looks in, and his son’s on top of grandma, fucking her. The dad goes “Son, no, this is wrong.” And the son looks up and says, “Not too much fun watching your mom get fucked, is it Dad?”

That’s such a wrong joke.

I got a million of them. What do you do if you see your wife staggering out in the backyard? You reload.

One more?

These two peanuts lived in a bad neighbourhood. One was a salted.

Reader question

I once saw a picture in a book of Slash doing a poo in a hotel room. Did this happen?
Denise, Essex

Duff replies...
I know where that story’s coming from. He took a poo on a room service tray and put the cover back over the plate and put the tray back in the hallway. I just remember he called me in my room going, “Dude, check out the tray in the hallway”. I thought it was pretty funny.

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