BREAKING: 500-Foot Bin Laden Emerges From Sea

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Multiple sources have now confirmed that Osama bin Laden,
thought to have been killed and buried at sea weeks ago, has emerged
from the Atlantic Ocean, rising to the towering height of 500 feet. The
al-Qaeda leader was spotted approximately 25 miles off the coast of the
northeastern United States and appeared to be making his way toward land
with alarming speed. Fighter jets and battleships are reportedly en
route to the scene and are expected to engage bin Laden within the hour.

Source: http://www.theonion.com/articles/breaking-enraged-500foot-bin-laden-emerges-from-se,20536/

Citizens look on in terror as the massive bin Laden destroys New York City with ease.

NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to the monstrous height of 500 feet and rapidly making his way down the East Coast of the United States in a rampage expected to leave hundreds of thousands dead and easily eclipse 9/11 as the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.

Currently, much of New York City and Washington, D.C., including the Empire State Building, the White House, and the Capitol Building, lay in ruins, with overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a country ravaged by the gigantic, irate al-Qaeda leader.

"Our nation faces its gravest challenge yet," a visibly shaken President Obama said, interrupting his prepared remarks to both houses of British Parliament in London. "I cannot say that we will prevail, only that we will fight to the last."

"May God help us all," Obama added as the walls and ceiling shook around him.

The first stirrings of bin Laden were felt in the form of early morning tremors off the Atlantic Coast that reportedly rattled windows as far inland as Ohio. Shortly thereafter, stunned witnesses from a nearby fishing vessel reported that bin Laden, in full robes and with a beard described as "at least 100 feet long," suddenly rose from beneath the water.


The gigantic bin Laden, seconds before pulverizing the person who took this photograph.

Within an hour, a formidable assembly of U.S. fighter jets and battleships began engaging bin Laden approximately 25 miles off the Atlantic Coast, an encounter officials conceded has so far done nothing to slow the progress of the colossal terrorist mastermind. On the contrary, sources are reporting that bin Laden seems to be absorbing the bombardment and growing both angrier and, shockingly, larger with each strike.

By the time the unscathed bin Laden entered New York Harbor and flung the Statue of Liberty into Lower Manhattan, some estimates put his height at 800 feet.

"He seemed to feed off our weaponry," Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen said.

"Everything we did to hurt him only seemed to nourish him. We pounded him with enough shells to destroy a small country, and it just made him stronger."

"I don't know how we stop him," Mullen continued. "I just don't know."

When Bin Laden reached land, he reportedly headed straight for Ground Zero, where witnesses said he seemed to emit a low gurgling chuckle before howling "Death to the infidels!" and tearing apart the steel superstructure of the partially built tower at One World Trade Center. After crushing nearby Trinity Church, which had inspired many by surviving 9/11 relatively undamaged, bin Laden made his way north, his gargantuan sandaled feet trampling buildings and growing slick with blood as he stomped upon the many residents who were unable to evacuate in time.

Maria Kushner, one of the lucky few to escape via the Coast Guard vessels arrayed along the East River, told reporters she looked back to land and saw bin Laden using the Empire State Building as a club to pulverize the U.N.'s headquarters.

"There were all these soldiers shooting at him, but he was relentless," Kushner said. "Just smashing and smashing. It's like he killed 3,000 people on 9/11 and finally came back for everyone else."

"Isn't that fucker supposed to be dead?" added Kushner, who told reporters she would never forget looking out her office window on the 72nd story of a Midtown skyscraper and seeing nothing but bin Laden's enormous eye looking back at her. "Why isn't he dead?"

Shortly before noon, bin Laden had left a trail of carnage through most of the Mid-Atlantic states, often scooping up helpless motorists from jammed highways and devouring them by the handful. As he entered Washington, D.C., sources said the terrifying giant, who had been pounded by combat forces all morning, had grown to twice his original height and stood close to 1,000 feet tall.

Although prime targets in the nation's capital had been evacuated by the time bin Laden arrived, military forces could do nothing but watch as bin Laden flipped the Pentagon 50 feet in the air, swatted the Capitol dome into the Potomac, and, with eerie deliberateness and precision, held his palm over the White House and slowly flattened it.

In a statement posted on a militant website, al-Qaeda celebrated the devastation and said the United States was paying the price for not heeding its warning.

"We have said that Osama bin Laden, may God have mercy on him, would be far mightier dead than alive," the statement read. "Did you fools really think we were talking about martyrdom or something? Really, how could you not see this coming?"

At press time, bin Laden had reduced most of Charlottesville, VA to rubble as he headed southeast, presumably toward SEAL Team Six headquarters near Virginia Beach.

Source: http://www.theonion.com/articles/update-giant-bin-laden-destroys-new-york-washingto,20536/

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—The colossal Osama bin Laden, having carved a swath of unimaginable destruction from New York to Washington, has reentered the ocean, dazed and terrified sources are confirming. Bin Laden, whose rampage officials now say may have killed more than a million people and dealt a crippling blow to the American economy, reportedly waded into the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Virginia. He was last seen slowly disappearing into the water several miles offshore.

Source: http://www.theonion.com/articles/bin-laden-returns-to-sea,20540/