Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof

WASHINGTON—Claiming it was "pretty fucking cool up there" and not to be missed, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked Estonian ambassador Väino Reinart on several occasions Sunday if he wanted to check out the White House roof.

"So, you ready to see this sweet-ass roof or what?" the vice president was overheard telling Reinart, one of several foreign dignitaries who visited the White House this weekend. "Come on, it'll be a lot of fun. It's a killer spot to just chill out. Everyone thinks this place is all about the Oval Office, but I guarantee the best seat in the house is right up top."


The vice president assures Ambassador Reinart that "there's plenty of good skin mags up there."

"Real beaut of a view, too," Biden added as he threw an arm around the 48-year-old diplomat. "You can see tons of shit. Be a damn shame if you didn't at least take a gander."

Sources confirmed Biden invited Reinart to go up to the roof on at least a dozen separate occasions during his three-hour White House visit, telling the ambassador that he'd "have a blast" and that "Diamond Joe" would never steer him wrong.

Reinart told reporters the vice president repeatedly said the roof would "totally kick ass," while a tour of countless bedrooms filled with boring antique furniture would "seriously blow."

Despite Reinart's polite assertions that he had a busy itinerary with a visiting Estonian delegation and senior White House officials, Biden insisted the two of them should "lose the suits" and cruise up to the roof where they could unwind with a couple of brews.

"Fuck it—let's go up," said Biden, who opened a Coors tallboy and handed the overflowing can to the ambassador, ignoring his gentle protests. "I'll get the grill going, and we can just throw whatever we want on there. I got some sweet lawn chairs, a cooler, even some fireworks. I usually do my own Fourth of July thing up there."

"Just gotta snag my tuneage," Biden added while retrieving a boom-box stereo and a handful of cassette tapes from a vacant office. "I'll bring the binocs, too. Never know when a few topless chicks with balconies might be out catching some rays."

As he explained that going to the top of the White House was "the only way to truly fucking experience D.C.," Biden said the one rule when they got on the roof was that they definitely couldn't throw beer bottles over the side of the building anymore.

Biden, whom Secret Service officials confirmed is not permitted to be on the roof, then reportedly removed a small bag of marijuana from his pocket and explained to Reinart that he was running low but still had enough to roll a pinner joint.

Although the ambassador reminded Biden they were expected to attend a state dinner that night, the vice president assured Reinart it would be "way cooler to get blazed" beforehand, as doing so makes the food at official White House events taste much better.

"I've spent a lot of time on this roof," Biden said. "Even slept up there once and it rained on me. By the way, if you're thirsty, don't drink anything from those Gatorade bottles."

In the past, Biden has reportedly taken numerous guests up to the White House roof, including, on one occasion, Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi and German chancellor Angela Merkel, a visit Biden described as "pretty hot and heavy."

The vice president, who eventually convinced Reinart to journey to the roof after making numerous pleas, apologized to the ambassador for the oversight of not "scoring some shrooms" and arranging for a couple of local babes to accompany them on the rooftop excursion.

"We gotta enjoy it while we still can, you know," Biden said. "The sweet times will all be over if [Energy Secretary Steven] Chu ever figures out how to get his solar panels up here."